How to (not) Support Your Colleagues During the Ongoing Pandemic
I cannot stress the following point enough.
Emotionally supporting your colleagues (especially for long periods of time) is NOT your job and unless you are a therapist or emergency responder YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TRAINED TO RESPOND TO THIS SITUATION.
This lack of training/preparation means that trying to respond to the emotional exhaustion of others is likely to cause some of the following feelings:
You are exhausted and feel you are taking on more weight on your already heavy load
You don’t know what to say
Sometimes people are getting mad at you because you said the “wrong” thing
You are resentful of people who don’t show you appreciation for the work you are putting in
Essentially and eventually, these feelings lead to burn out. Burnout will make you less productive, less satisfied with life, cause relational issues at work and home, and likely make you question “why am I even doing this?”. That is an incredibly uncomfortable place to be. The worst part about burn out is that the more we deny it, the further we get from being able to address the root causes of our burn out/frustrations.
Even if you REALLY WANT to help those around you, you may not be the best person. Therapists and emergency responders have explicit training in how to separate themselves from those they are treating as well as hard earned self-care rituals that help them continue to do this WORK. Yes, it is work. You wouldn’t start taking apart your engine when your car breaks down (unless you have that skill set). So, when you’ve reached your limit in helping yourself or the complex humans around you, please tell your people to see a professional or see someone yourself. Trust me, people break down a lot more easily than cars. It’s totally normal.
Here is a list of things you can do if you feel like you have energy to help others.
If you are a leader, the best thing you can do is lead by example
If you are a leader, normalize the higher levels of burnout and outline exactly where/how people can get help. Remove as many barriers as possible.
If you are a team leader, take 5-10 minutes of your staff meeting to genuinely ask each member how they are doing. (I recommend this for small team meetings or groups where a decent level of trust has already been established)
You must model honesty and vulnerability if you want them to do the same
You can ask for 1 word or a number for 0-10 without explanation
Thank everyone for sharing and let them know you understand these are impossible times
Follow up later individually with those who seem to be really having a hard time
If you are a leader, make sure people have multiple ways to get feedback to you: written, spoken, anonymous. Remind them of this. Acknowledge and act on feedback whenever possible.
Reach out to your coworkers (and others) and let them know you miss them or that you miss being able to chat with them about X,Y, Z.
If you feel drawn to, invite your colleague to “grab a coffee” with you. You might shoot a message to say “I’m going to grab a coffee, Do you want to take a break with me?”. Give them a call while you refresh your coffee and/or take a walk around your house/building/block. Let this call wrap up naturally as you “head back to work”.
If you see someone is struggling and you have extra time, you can offer to take a task from them.
Pause and ask how the individual you are speaking with. Some good responses are usually.
I hear you.
I’m sorry to hear that.
That sounds really tough.
It makes sense that you feel tired/worried/sad right now (use whatever words they used).
I feel the same way/similarly (if you do)
I appreciate you sharing that with me.
Have you been able to access the resources/support you need?
Is there anything I can do to support/assist you?
Make an offer to listen further/later, let them know you are available and encourage them to reach out.
Here are some examples of things you can say to people when you reach your limit of being helpful. NOTE - You can try responses from the above list first. Sometimes people are not asking for your help.
Usually I would love to help you through this, I am working on reduced capacity at the moment and I don’t feel I can be helpful to you at this moment. Is there someone else you can reach out to?
That sounds really difficult, I’m not sure how I can help.
I wish I could be more helpful, but I’m not sure I’m the right person to assist you in this matter. Have you tried speaking to your manager/healthcare provider/HR?
I really care about your well-being, but I’m not sure how I can assist you. Have you considered reaching out to a professional?
In my experience, I’ve found therapy to be helpful in gaining perspective/learning tools/understanding patterns. I think it may also be helpful for you.
Reach out to your leadership team and ask them how you should proceed or if they have any ideas (you can speak in more general terms if you don’t want to name the individual)
Always reach out to leadership or health professionals if you are fearful for someone’s safety or well-being.
Here is a list of things that are NOT HELPFUL to people who are currently not in a good place/grieving/struggling.
Not reciprocating a level of disclosure
I.e. someone is honest with a tough feeling/story and you respond that you are totally fine (no one is totally fine right now).
I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about
At least…..
We just need to….
This is temporary.
In the case of a death
They are in a better place
God is watching over them
Heaven needed an angel
There is a plan
At least they are no longer in pain
If you’re looking at these lists and thinking “This is so complicated!” you’re right! It is. It’s why therapists need 6-10 years of school to begin to learn how to say the right thing at the right time, and even we get it wrong sometimes. I hope you are taking care of yourself during this time. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Put on your oxygen mask before assisting others. I think there are days and ways we can reach out and help our fellow humans, but there will be days and ways we are limited. In those times I hope you reach out for help yourself and encourage others to do the same.
Additional Resources
Boundaries - Follow @NedraTawwab on Instagram or read her book
How to find a therapist - My favorite guide
All my favorite self-help resources are listed here under the “Self-help for specific concerns” tab. - pandemic, loneliness, and grief (and many others) are included.
Dr. Fae
has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction. Her online self-study course Deepening & Developing Connections is always available.
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You can learn more about her in all these places.
drfae.com | facebook | instagram | linkedin
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